I think the holidays present the most long-term challenge for those grieving.  There is so much tradition in many families and the fact that the holidays are only once per year create the situation that there is lots of room for grief to be re-opened.  The most helpful advice I have for the holidays is to be flexible and create flexibility in your planning.

It is suggested that the first couple years of grieving a close loss that you don’t put yourself in a position of needing to host a holiday party (because you can’t leave if you are overcome by grief).  And make sure wherever you go that you have the option of having time by yourself or even leaving when you want to without fear of offending the host.  Just talk to them about it in advance and say something like, “You know John has only been gone about six months now and this is my first Thanksgiving without him.  I don’t know how I am going to be.  Do you mind if I end up leaving if I find myself too uncomfortable?”  If it is going to mess up their plans if you leave early, find another place for Thanksgiving dinner.

I still buy the holiday gifts in honor of Lee and Madison and it has gotten a bit easier to donate them.  For Christmas last year in honor of my dad Keith and I gave a donation to St. Vincent de Paul, a charity my dad was a volunteer for (and my mom still is a volunteer).  My sister gave gifts of photos she had taken in my dad’s final days that showed some of the connection and yes, even fun that we had at the end of his life.  My mom gave copies of a family photo taken in the late 1970’s that made us all reminisce. 

Grief can be slippery and spontaneous.  Planning ahead for the holidays can help to deal with some of the unexpected moments.  There are silver linings to loss as well.  My dad was almost always difficult to shop for.  It was a relief last year to not try to figure out what to get him.  As Ma from the Little House books used to say, “There is no great loss without some small gain.”

Sending you and yours blessings this holiday season.

Donna Copeland is an Independent Shaklee Distributor who likes to share what she has learned through her research and her experiences.  You can find more information on her Shaklee business at www.DonnaCopeland.MyShaklee.com(She is paid by Shaklee for purchases made through her or her website.)

I remember going back to my parent’s house and my mom asking if I wanted to come in before I headed home; I said I would have a cup of tea with them before going home.  I remember my mom noticing that someone had called but hadn’t left a message and my mom getting out the new scarves that she had been crocheting.  I remember the phone rang and it was my brother-in-law Tom calling with the most devastating news of my life, “There’s been an accident…”

Life immediately became “pre-accident” and “post-accident”.  I am so grateful that I was with my parents on that night when they got the news.  I am forever sorry that my dad’s day to shine got so horribly overshadowed by the loss of Lee and Madison.  We didn’t know right away what had happened to Marie, Lee, and Maddie.  We had to wait and wonder and pray.  Some prayers were answered in our favor, others were not. 

In the days, months, and years that  followed November 16, 2005, I have learned several things:

• You are the only one in your body, mind, and spirit…YOU must be your own advocate and take care of yourself…no one else knows when you need a break or a shoulder if you don’t speak up.
• You never “get over” a loss like this…you learn to accept it, you learn to live with it, you learn to find joy in life again but you don’t “get over” losing someone close to you.
• Laughter is hugely important to stress relief and grief…honor that person’s memory by finding humor where you can because it feels GOOD to laugh and it does great things for you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
• Grief doesn’t follow any particular time table.  Some people find the second year after a loss is harder than the first. 
• Grief can “pop up” at unexpected times with an unknown trigger and it may manifest as crabbiness or being tired or any other possible physical symptom.
• When you have lost someone years ago and have learned to live with their loss the grief can come back again (sometimes as strong as it was the first time) when you lose someone new.

There is a part of myself that wonders when the next phone call will come that something terrible has happened to someone I love.  I only recently came to realize I was still carrying this baggage with me.  Now that I have realized it I will hopefully be able to address it and move forward so I can enjoy life more.  Worrying never got anyone any place but it is hard to let go of something I hadn’t even realized was operating below the surface for so many years.

Lee was 14 and Madison was 10 when they died.  We met some wonderful people who supported us through those early days (and many continue their support); some are still in our lives, others are not.  Their support showed me the best side of humanity and still gives me encouragement today.

To me the key to living with loss is: See the silver lining of how your life has been changed for the better as a result of having your loved one  in your life (and perhaps even how they death occurred) and honor what that person stood for and the things they taught you in your daily life.

If you are reading this today and you are grieving the loss of someone you love, please take the time to nurture yourself, ask for help, and allow yourself to be wherever it is you are at in this moment.

Donna Copeland has been working through a few losses over the last ten years starting with Great-Aunt Tillie in 2002, Lee and Madison (nephew and niece) in 2005, and her dad in 2008.  Donna is an Independent Shaklee Distributor and finds a connection through her work to those family members she is honoring: Aunt Tillie was an independent career woman who did very well for herself at a time when that wasn’t common; Lee would talk to anyone and was a great listener; Madison helped her mom to grow her Arbonne business and was a believer in big dreams; Donna’s dad was a self-starter who did what was necessary to get the job done.   You can contact Donna by leaving a message here or through her Shaklee website (she is paid a commission by Shaklee on purchases made through her website) at: www.DonnaCopeland.MyShaklee.com

What I realized was going on was “life as usual” and I had a full life of all the daily tasks that make up our day to day patterns.  What I didn’t have was any outlet for addressing my grief.  I considered if I would do better with one-on-one therapy (which I had gone to several years ago and found immensely helpful) but I came to the conclusion that my primary need was to take time for my grief.

Anyone else out there have a hard time fitting things in your schedule if you don’t actually have an appointment?  I realized that since I hadn’t done a very good job working in time for grief thus far (about five months after my dad’s death) I should find a way to work my grief into a regular schedule, like a support group.  I decided that if after a while I didn’t feel like the support group was enough I would explore the option of one-on-one therapy.

I started by calling Hospice of Michigan, the team that cared for my dad in his final days.  They had a “Grief and the Holidays” seminar coming up that I signed up for.  Two days before the event they called to tell me only a couple people had signed up for it so they were canceling the event.  I was disappointed.

Thankfully, a few days later my husband was at an Ann Arbor Chamber of Commerce event and he struck up a conversation with a person involved in Arbor Hospice.  She told him that their grief groups were open to anyone, regardless if they had used their services.  I checked out their upcoming events on-line and attended their “Holidays and Grief” seminar (which they had about 12 people at).

After that I registered for an eight week support group for adults who had lost a parent.  It was one of the best choices in my life.  I did need to commit to the eight weeks and hold that time in my schedule.  It wasn’t always pleasant to relive some of the experiences of losing my dad or hearing stories of how my group members had experienced their own losses, but it was incredibly helpful in promoting my healing process and giving me time and space to acknowledge my loss.

So now I encourage you, if you are feeling unusually emotional or “off”, explore those feelings further; see what is at their root.  Ask for help from professionals and take the time to work through your challenges.  I believe that when we have emotions going through out body they influence our physical health.  Feeling happy releases endorphins and things that support our immune system, feeling sad or angry (especially over a long period of time) can release toxins or cause other physical challenges which may not appear immediately but may cause problems in time.

From what I understand almost all hospice organizations offer grief counseling and support groups whether that family used their services or not.  Take good care of yourself.

Donna Copeland is an Independent Shaklee Distributor who used the Shaklee supplements to help her stay healthy during her grieving process.  You can find more information at: www.DonnaCopeland.MyShaklee.com.  Donna is compensated by Shaklee when people purchase products through her or her website.