Four years ago today opened the door to a whole new world of medicine, grief, and nurturing myself. I remember the day well…how I had arranged to be away from our martial arts school so I could go to a Brian Tracey seminar in the afternoon and then spend the evening with my parents at an award ceremony honoring my dad’s contributions to their local community. How I was captivated by Brian Tracey’s presentation; how I joked and visited with people at the ceremony; how proud I was of my dad and pleased that he was getting recognized for once.
I remember going back to my parent’s house and my mom asking if I wanted to come in before I headed home; I said I would have a cup of tea with them before going home. I remember my mom noticing that someone had called but hadn’t left a message and my mom getting out the new scarves that she had been crocheting. I remember the phone rang and it was my brother-in-law Tom calling with the most devastating news of my life, “There’s been an accident…”
Life immediately became “pre-accident” and “post-accident”. I am so grateful that I was with my parents on that night when they got the news. I am forever sorry that my dad’s day to shine got so horribly overshadowed by the loss of Lee and Madison. We didn’t know right away what had happened to Marie, Lee, and Maddie. We had to wait and wonder and pray. Some prayers were answered in our favor, others were not.
In the days, months, and years that followed November 16, 2005, I have learned several things:
- You are the only one in your body, mind, and spirit…YOU must be your own advocate and take care of yourself…no one else knows when you need a break or a shoulder if you don’t speak up.
- You never “get over” a loss like this…you learn to accept it, you learn to live with it, you learn to find joy in life again but you don’t “get over” losing someone close to you.
- Laughter is hugely important to stress relief and grief…honor that person’s memory by finding humor where you can because it feels GOOD to laugh and it does great things for you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
- Grief doesn’t follow any particular time table. Some people find the second year after a loss is harder than the first.
- Grief can “pop up” at unexpected times with an unknown trigger and it may manifest as crabbiness or being tired or any other possible physical symptom.
- When you have lost someone years ago and have learned to live with their loss the grief can come back again (sometimes as strong as it was the first time) when you lose someone new.
There is a part of myself that wonders when the next phone call will come that something terrible has happened to someone I love. I only recently came to realize I was still carrying this baggage with me. Now that I have realized it I will hopefully be able to address it and move forward so I can enjoy life more. Worrying never got anyone any place but it is hard to let go of something I hadn’t even realized was operating below the surface for so many years.
Lee was 14 and Madison was 10 when they died. We met some wonderful people who supported us through those early days (and many continue their support); some are still in our lives, others are not. Their support showed me the best side of humanity and still gives me encouragement today.
To me the key to living with loss is: See the silver lining of how your life has been changed for the better as a result of having your loved one in your life (and perhaps even how they death occurred) and honor what that person stood for and the things they taught you in your daily life.
If you are reading this today and you are grieving the loss of someone you love, please take the time to nurture yourself, ask for help, and allow yourself to be wherever it is you are at in this moment.
Donna Copeland has been working through a few losses over the last ten years starting with Great-Aunt Tillie in 2002, Lee and Madison (nephew and niece) in 2005, and her dad in 2008. Donna is an Independent Shaklee Distributor and finds a connection through her work to those family members she is honoring: Aunt Tillie was an independent career woman who did very well for herself at a time when that wasn’t common; Lee would talk to anyone and was a great listener; Madison helped her mom to grow her Arbonne business and was a believer in big dreams; Donna’s dad was a self-starter who did what was necessary to get the job done. You can contact Donna by leaving a message here or through her Shaklee website (she is paid a commission by Shaklee on purchases made through her website) at: www.DonnaCopeland.MyShaklee.com
